Leda and the Swan

The Sonnet Version

(after W.B. Yeats)

She should have known. How many other swans
Had Leda seen hung like a happy horse?
It made her laugh to see his swollen glans
Go bobbing as he waddled in his course.
She didn't really didn't mind, the truth to tell,
When he accosted her in this fair form:
Much better than that hairy Greek whose smell
Did reek of wine and flatulence and sperm.
Imagine her vexation when she found
Her tryst with Big Bird made her ass a mom!
(The Germans got it right. The phallic word
Is very similar to "swan" in sound.)
So ladies, lest you suffer Leda's doom,
Beware the hairy-pecker-toting bird!

The Rambling, Free Version

She should have known better...
Figure of aviary grace
Toting a hairy hard-on.
Did it not seem out of place?
Oh yes, he certainly stood out from the other
Perhaps she was curious as he
Waddled up to her,
Monster-pecker bobbing in the breeze.
Maybe she had visions of adoring angels,
Clean-shaven, wholesome youths sporting
Gentle, regal,
Courteous beings,
Not like that fat, hairy Greek
Who approached her with the ancient Hellenic equivalent of:
"Hey baby! Wanna fuck a god?"
Pfui! How his breath stank of wine,
His B.O. like horses oiled in sperm.
She had run for dear life!

But now she stood there
At the water's edge, ogling
The beautiful birds, and this one,
It was
The most beautiful of all of them!
As it neared her,
She stroked its graceful, arched neck,
And truth to tell,
She didn't mind terribly much when he
Starting pressing his beak and head
Between her bosoms.
Hell, she was so turned on,
She dropped her tunic right there!
No-one was watching, after all,
And Mother had never warned her
Of the wiles of amorous gods,
So she lay back,
And begged the gorgeous creature to mount her.

Now consider for a moment
Why you never heard this part of the story
In your classical literature course.
(Certainly not because of the Victorian propriety your professor
Who was no doubt subject to his own
Flights of fancy
Regarding this tale.)
It should be obvious:
What proper Greek (or even Roman) gal would ever admit
That the best fuck of her life
Was administered by a giant bird?
Of course, she never told Heracles, or Helen, or Clymenestra!
What would they have thought,
Imagining her flailing under its lusty breast
Screaming, "Harder! harder!"?
(Albeit, in ancient Hellenic.)
But the anatomical and zoological evidence seems overwhelming:
The truth is out about Leda!

Oh yes, it was good!
Yet in nine months,
Could she possibly have been
To have become of a mother of three?
And under such circumstances?!

Perhaps this is why
Mothers tell their children
Of storks delivering them into the world.
Perhaps this is why
The phallic word in German is so like the word
For "swan".
It is likely,
We shall never know, but
Certainly, ladies
It seems there is a moral here...
You should always practice safe sex
When engaged in a hot tryst with Big Bird.

George Chadderdon © 2000